It Smelled Like Scotch…But It Tasted Like Old Socks…


My darling husband use to be an international traveling sales engineer. He’s famous in his industry. Strike that, he was a god (demi) in his industry. Check him out: When I met him, he told me he wrote “the book” about electrical power switches. He even showed it to me. As a librarian, my eyes glazed over in admiration; then he told me about his 145,000 comics….And I knew that I had to appreciate his genre preferences, even if I didn’t like comics.

Marriage happened and now, we sell comics as a side gig. He’s one of the best (check him out on Ebay: and he’s opening an official Ebay store soon.

But it was how my husband hoarded travel accessories from hotels and motels that drove me nuts (not the collection of Hamburger Helper from the 1990s he gleefully showed me when I first visited his home. “It’s still good. Want me to fix it? They don’t make this anymore. It’s vintage Hamburger Helper, baby!”). Today, I decided to clean out our bathroom. And I found it.

It was in a pile of over 200 soaps, shampoos, shoe horns, etc in bags that I dumped into a laundry basket to take to charity – and it looked….different. I took it, looked at it, and saw an Asian country on it.

Didn’t David go there in the 1990s? My memory doesn’t work on all his international travels, but I know I was in graduate school when he went there. He is older than I am.

This thing had to be pure booze by now.  My ancestors were Kentucky bootleggers, so I felt my genetic curiosity get moving in ways I didn’t know they could. I stared at it, then, bravely, I swigged it.

It was mouthwash dated 1997 from Asia. It smelled like Scotch. It tasted like old socks.

I quickly gagged, ran to the commode, and spat it out. An hour of brushing my teeth and one Mountain Dew later, I’m not dying to go to the hospital and use my Affordable Heath Care Act insurance.

I found another one and thought, “Hey! This could clean the commode!” And it did: better than the flat Cokes my son leaves around.

So, if you ever find vintage Asia mouthwash from an Asia motel from your husband’s travels? Don’t drink it: use it as a cleaner. Or better yet, just throw it away.

David, now, let’s talk about the vintage Hamburger Helper, sweetie….

P.S. Found some Signal too. It did taste like Scotch….So much like Scotch, I posted a picture.

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