What Can YOU Do In Your Spanx? NOT!

I really admire the woman who invented Spanx.  What does Spanx do for me?

It holds me up and in so I can wear a freaking ballgown to a work required ball.

On my recent Spanx purchase, it read, “YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IN YOUR SPANX!” and the pictures were…

*Cooking a meal  *Winning a race  *Put out a fire

It inspired me so much, I decided to put on my Spanx for my second fitting of my ballgown. Thirty minutes later, I was passed out on the bed, begging David to help me up. David is my husband, of two years, and he never saw a woman put on Spanx before.

“WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU IN THAT GET-UP?” he asked, pulling me to my feet. He’s 6’4 to my 5’3 and he can pick me up, move me around, etc. Comes in handy at times.

I snapped, “Putting on the dog for that dress that has to be taken in.” That is, by the way, Southern for “Putting on my Spanx.”

“Taken in? So why the body girdle?”

“So I can be skinnier,” I told him.

“But, honey, you are……”

My eyes narrowed.

“FUN SIZE!” he bellowed.

Smart man. Right answer.

“I’m fat. But I lost 20 pounds and I need to be what I will be for the ball,” I told him.

“Oh.”

“Yes, oh.”

I waddled to the bathroom, put on my pants (holding onto David, again, so I wouldn’t fall over), and a blouse plopped over my head. He drove me down the road to my seamstress for my fitting. I couldn’t breathe the entire time and panted.

“GO STRIP!” she welcomed me, “And here it is!” David gets me into the gown. It zips up. ZIP.

“AH!!!!” my husband is amazed, “Damn! It’s perfect.”

I waddle to the seamstress as she checks the hem.

“You lost weight!” she beamed up at me.

“I can’t breathe!” I whimpered.

“Way it is, dear,” she patted my foot.

As soon as the last of the fitting was done, I ditched the Spanx and hose and put on my clothes. I could breathe.

“See this?” I held up the card to David as we drove home. I could breathe.

“Yes….oh, wow. That’s great marketing!”

“It’s a LIE!” I screamed, “I can’t cook a meal, win a race, and put out a fire. I can’t even freaking BREATHE!”

“Go bitch and complain in a blog,” he told me, “Because what women wear does NOT interest me! I have to wear a tie, so I have my own issues! But it held you in, honey. You look very pretty in your dress.”

“You just want to get laid,” I snapped.

So, a week later, here’s my bitch and moan blog. So, I ask you: Can you wear your Spanx while you are

*Cooking a meal   *Winning a race    *Put out a fire

ImageOr, dare I ask, BREATHE!?

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